The Super Troopers take MiddleEarth
by Nimloth-n-Andunie
Summary: Well, here it is, the second in our Super Troopers stories. Two girls end up in Middle Earth, and create havok. A shameless self-insert with lots of MarySue bashing!
1. superheroes and demon horses

Insight to our Main characters: Sammi, 5'7" dirty blonde hair, honey brown eyes, in Alysha's opinion, rather straight up and down, kinda muscly, fairly academic type, though often has blonde moments, loves her sports mostly soccer and horseriding, though she's also a good distance runner.  
  
Alysha: 5'5", light brown sun streaked hair, freaky eyes that change from green to brown with her mood, , can be smart when she can be bothered, but tends to wing it, most often described as 'the crazy one.' Loves motorbikes, horses, and most contact or extreme sports. Speed Freak.  
  
The pair has been together as best friends for a good portion of their lives, and became so close that they think on the same wavelength, often picking up on each others thoughts and sensing each other's presence. True, the relationship is really like that.  
  
The Super Troopers take Middle Earth  
  
"I swear, Sammi that horse wants to kill me!" Alysha yelled at her best friend, pointing to the big black gelding she sat on. The tall horse glared at the girl pointing at him, his evil eyes flaming red. "See! Did you see that? It's possessed I tell you!"  
  
Sammi laughed at her friend, thinking she was hallucinating again. "Jacky's a sweetie, just because he's the only horse on the planet to ever throw you off, doesn't make him evil. And he was only new to us when that happened, he's trained up now."  
  
Alysha folded her arms stubbornly, and glared at the horse, thinking about vanquishing potions and exorcism. Sammi laughed again and grabbed her friends arm. "C'mon, we'll never get to the competition in time if you don't ride with me. You've got no-one to blame but yourself for this turn of events, you were the one who spent the money for your horse's shoeing on new jeans." Alysha pouted more, but grudgingly swung herself up behind Sammi in the saddle. Jack shifted uncomfortably at Alysha's weight and jumped forward in an attempt to unseat her. Sammi could hear the girl behind her muttering something along the lines of 'I told you so.'  
  
Half an hour later, Jack was flying across an open paddock to the gate on the other side. On the other side of that gate was the local riding club, and Sammi was competing in a hunter jump-off. The wind blew the hoods of their raincoats back and the grass swished around the girls ankles on the 16hh horse and was tickling Sammi's sensitive spot, making her giggle insanely.  
  
"Samantha! Please concentrate on the demon-horse, before we both end up-"  
  
At that moment, Jack decided he was going to change directions and go speeding into the bush. Alysha moaned. "Too late."  
  
Samantha wrested the black gelding into a canter, while Alysha was left to bounce around helplessly behind the saddle with only the straps of her backpack to hang onto.  
  
"Stupid horse!" Sammi growled, as Jack had only ever acted up once for her. (Funnily enough, it was the only other time when Alysha had been riding with them.)  
  
Looking over Sammi's shoulder, the other Super Trooper saw a man walking with four kids in superhero capes ahead, right where their psychotic horse was charging. "SAMMI! Watch out! The kids!" Samantha leaned right back, pulling desperately one her horse's reins, trying to get the possessed beast to slow down.  
  
The man looked up from his path and gasped, seeing a black horse charging towards him with a pair of hooded riders. "Wraiths!" He yelled to the kids behind him, and they ran off the path.  
  
"Heads up!" Alysha yelled as Jack skidded to a stop and began to buck. She sailed off the gelding and into the pine needles, arse first. As soon as Jack felt Alysha fall off, he settled into a prancing jig on the spot. "I told you so, he wants to kill me!" She shrieked angrily.  
  
The man stood to the side of the trail, staring open-mouthed at the odd trio. The four small blokes who stood on the other side of the demon-horse burst into gales of laughter, along with Samantha. The tall man regained his composure and cleared his throat to Alysha still sitting splay legged on the roots of a massive tree of some sort. She glared at him.  
  
The tall man raised a questioning eyebrow. "Who are you, maiden riders from the forest? You don't appear to be anyone I've seen in these parts before, and I know most of the people from this area."  
  
Samantha cracked up laughing at the look on Alysha's face, before realizing why she looked so terrified. The man standing above her friend was none other than Aragorn II of Middle Earth.  
  
Samantha groaned. "Here we go again..."  
  
_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_  
  
And that's chapter one. Please Read and Review, but be nice, Constructive Criticism only, flamers are mean. :-p This isn't going to be a Mary-Sue 'girl meets Legolas, falls in love and they live happily ever after' story, but a kind of self insertion based on a stereotyped version of ourselves and the havoc we create. We've written a few stories like this one, with us ending up in stories and movies and messing it all up, and Middle Earth shall not be spared! If you like this story, look for our other "Super Troopers take." Stories, at the moment, there's a Harry Potter one, and a Star Wars epic in the way! Thanks! Love to all!  
  
.:~*~:. Peace, out Nimloth and Andu?nië 


	2. frying pans and fangirl cries

The Super Troopers take Middle Earth  
  
In the last episode..  
  
____________________ The man standing above her friend was none other than Aragorn II of Middle Earth.  
  
Samantha groaned. "Here we go again..."  
  
____________________  
  
Chapter Two.  
  
"Is it just me, or is there a Ranger and four hobbits standing above me?" Alysha looked questioningly at Samantha. Sammi blinked at her friend, not knowing what happened.  
  
"How did we get here this time? I didn't see any spaceship rides, shimmering portals or funny guys with fairy wands."  
  
"What are you speaking about? You came from the forest, charging in on a fine black steed and the one with strange eyes fell off. And what's a spaceship ride?" Aragorn said.  
  
"Shuddap, Aragorn! This has nothing to do with you."  
  
Aragorn started. "How did you know my true name?" He unsheathed his sword and held it under Alysha's throat. She rolled her eyes and shoved Andru?il out of her face.  
  
"I forgot, he's not called Aragorn until they get to Imaldris. Oh! That means this is Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo! Hullo, Frodo!" Alysha began to rattle in a vain attempt to imitate an Irish accent, but it sounded rather Scottish. Samantha just swung down from Blackjack's back.  
  
"Just call him Strider 'til we get there, Elrond and Gandy will be able to send us home, because I'm not going to miss my competition." She stated firmly. Pippin spoke up:  
  
"Does this mean you're coming with us to Rivendell? Do you have food, like mushrooms, or apples?"  
  
The Super Troopers couldn't keep the giggles down, and they burst out laughing at Pippin's way of thinking through his stomach. Aragorn, ah, Strider, shook his head.  
  
"If your intentions are only to get home, I suppose you can journey with us to see the Elves. I believe the power of protection that Elrond holds over his land will keep you away should your intentions be impure. Do we have a name to call you two ladies by?"  
  
Alysha pointed to Samantha and grunted 'Sammi.' Samantha pointed to Alysha and mumbled 'Loosha.' The hobbits looked confused, as Sam and Sammi was a little too much for their hobbit brains to handle.  
  
Alysha clarified that Samwise and Samantha were two different names, and that if it was easier, they should call Sammi by her last name. (Simpson.)  
  
A horrid shriek spilt the air, and Frodo's hand shot to his breast pocket, where the One Ring was hidden. "Don't touch it Frodo," Samantha hissed. The hobbits shifted uneasily.  
  
"They are the voices of the real Wraiths. They're close; we'll head for the ruin of Amon Sûl on Weathertop. We should have a good vantage point from there. Hurry."  
  
Strider took off at a quick pace, followed quickly by the hobbits and Bill the pony, who'd been socializing with Jack. Sammi jumped up into Jack's saddle and pulled Alysha up behind her. Jack grunted grumpily, and shifted unhappily at Alysha being back up on his back, but behaved, obviously feeling content that Alysha's ego was still bruised from her fall earlier.  
  
Later that night, Frodo went nuts at the other three hobbits and Alysha for making a fire to cook tomato and sausages, while Sammi was sound asleep on a pile of cloaks and backpacks.  
  
"Put it out, you fools, put it out!" Frodo cried, waking Samantha. Alysha looked around and held up her hand. "3.2.1.queue the screech." And a Ringwraith far below made a horrible shrieking sound.  
  
"Go!" yelled Samantha and Frodo at the same time. The six of them bolted to the top of Amon Sûl, standing back to back, waiting for the Wraiths to come up over the lip of the ruins. The hobbits each held a sword that Strider had given to them, Sammi held a frying pan that she'd scooped up from Sam, and Alysha was armed with her freaky eyes, and a burning stick she'd grabbed from the fire before Frodo had the chance to stomp it out.  
  
The Nazgûl did their scary walk-over-the-stairs-out-of-the-mist-thing and drew their swords. Pippin and Merry stumbled to one side, and Sam got tossed by Mr. Lord of the Nazgûl into a pillar, leaving Sammi, Alysha and Frodo to face the Ringwraiths alone.  
  
Alysha glared at them, and one of the Wraiths shuddered visibly.  
  
Sammi swung the frying pan at the head of the nearest Black Rider, and it went straight through, like the hood was totally empty. "Uh-oh, badness," she mumbled.  
  
"Don't you remember the movie, Samantha? FIRE!" And Alysha leapt forward, setting her flaming stick to the robes of three Nazgûl. She cackled insanely and waved the stick in the air. While her back was turned, Frodo had slipped on the Ring and got himself stabbed by Mr. Lord of the Ringwraiths. He pulled the Ring from his finger and howled in pain. Alysha rolled her eyes and began to set the remaining Black-Robed-Loonies on fire.  
  
Strider came barreling over the top of the ruins and with his own torch, set fire to the last Nazgûl, claiming what little glory he could from the incident.  
  
After the Wraiths were gone, Strider hoisted Frodo over his shoulder and the little company ran down the slopes of Weathertop, heading for the Ford. While having a few seconds of rest, Frodo was lain under a broken statue, and was gasping like someone was strangling him, which they soon were, after Alysha and Sammi got pissed off with his pathetic gaping and groaning. They were soon flat on their backs after a blow from Samwise's fry pan.  
  
When they woke, Sam and Strider were looking for the Kingsfoil to stop the poison in Frodo's shoulder from spreading.  
  
"Ooh, ooh, is this the part where Arwen turns up?" asked Samantha excitedly, as she hadn't actually seen all of the Fellowship of the Ring. Alysha, who could almost recite the movie, nodded just as eagerly.  
  
The funny heavenly music came on, and Arwen's strange light could be seen through the trees. Frodo's glazed over eyes widened and he squeaked again. Alysha translated as she remembered from the movie, while Arwen spoke to the hobbit on the ground by the broken statue.  
  
"Frodo, I am Arwen, I've come to help you. Hear my voice. Come back to the light."  
  
Strider leaned across her, and stuffed the Kingsfoil into Frodo's shoulder. "Hey, Strider," Sammi piped up. "There are five Wraiths behind us, and Arwen here doesn't know where the other four are."  
  
Blink, blink.  
  
"Yep. And those two are about to argue about who takes Frodo to Rivendell, in Elvish, of course, but Arwen will win by saying she doesn't fear them." Alysha informed the hobbits. Sure enough, right on queue, Strider and Arwen began to speak softly, in Elvish, and Sammi mouthed along with the Elf-Lady as she said 'I do not fear them.'  
  
"I'm coming with you."  
  
Everyone looked strangely at Sammi. All but Alysha who already knew what her best friend was getting at.  
  
"I can take one of the other hobbits on Jack, and take the Ring, and it will confuse the Ringwraiths. They'll be following Frodo's dark wound at the moment right? So if I come too, with a hobbit also, and the One Ring, it may be enough to confuse them."  
  
Strider and Arwen blinked, unsure of what to say to such a plan.  
  
Frodo gaped again.  
  
Sam and Merry nodded, their hobbit logic finding Samantha's idea quite sensible.  
  
Pippin looked clueless.  
  
Alysha glared at everyone for doubting her friend.  
  
"I suppose it's not a bad idea. But they are looking for a hobbit and an Elf on a horse, not a mortal man," Strider said.  
  
"Well," countered Alysha, "Samantha isn't a man, and that's what hoods are for." And she poked her tongue out at the future king of men. Samantha grabbed Merry and helped him up onto the pommel of the saddle infront of her. They wrapped him in a cloak and put the Ring on a ribbon that they attached to Jack's saddle so that no-one would actually be 'bearing it.'  
  
"Ride hard, don't look back," Strider instructed Arwen and Samantha. Arwen spoke a few words in Elvish to her horse, while Sammi just silently prayed that Jack would behave.  
  
"Go," she said, and the two horses took off at a canter through the trees.  
  
Alysha grabbed her magical bottomless backpack, (Think Mary Poppins.) in which whatever she needed somehow just appeared, slung it over her shoulders, and set off in the general direction the other Super Trooper and the She-elf had ridden.  
  
The black and white horses galloped alongside one another, the two hobbits bouncing uncomfortably, the two female riders sitting tall and comfortably in the saddle, and the Nine Black Riders charging along behind them.  
  
"Look who decided to join us!" Samantha yelled to Arwen, pointing behind them to the Nazgûl.  
  
"We shall split up, I'll take Frodo through the trees, you take Pippin straight ahead, about a mile, and across the river Bruinen. The power of my people will protect you both until I get there."  
  
Samantha nodded and watched as Arwen turned Asfaloth, the elf-horse to the side and disappeared into the trees. Just as she had suspected, the Ringwraiths checked their horses, unsure of which horse with hobbit to follow, as both created a dark shadow with the evil they bore. One bore a shard of a Mordor sword, the other, the One Ring.  
  
Mr. Lord of the Nazgûl screeched at them, and Samantha turned and sent her own piercing cry which could easily rival any fangirl's while in pursuit of Legolas.  
  
The Ringwraiths argued for a bit, before settling to send four after Arwen and Asfaloth, and four after Sammi and Blackjack. Mr. Lord of the Nazgûl just sat back, and took his sweet time getting to the river to yell for the riders to give up their Halflings.  
  
Sammi pulled Jack to a halt on the far side of the Loudwater and waited for Arwen. In the distance she heard motorbike engines, and didn't think anything at first until Merry asked what the strange noise was, and she remembered where she was. Just as she was trying to explain to Merry what an engine was, Asfaloth came charging over the river, with all nine Wraiths in hot pursuit.  
  
The place where Arwen had chosen to cross was too deep for the elf-horse to handle, and they were forced to run parallel to the river. The Ringwraiths screeched horribly as they cut her off, and drew their swords.  
  
The sound of dirt bike engines were growing louder, and seconds later, Alysha, Pippin, Sam and Strider came pelting out of the forest. The dirt bikes terrified the Wraiths' horses, which shied and threw them off, and into the river. Arwen and the bikers rode over the river crossing, and Arwen called the flood to wash away the Wraiths.  
  
Alysha was cackling insanely as she mooned the thoroughly pissed Nazgûl. "Suck that, Black-Robed-Loonies! We wiiiiin, you loooose! Oh yeah!" And she did the happy dance.  
  
"Where'd you get the dirt bikes, Loosha?" Samantha asked her best friend.  
  
"Where else?" She answered.  
  
"Oh, your magical backpack, I should have known."  
  
"Frodo, no! Frodo, not now, don't give in!" Arwen was crying over Frodo, who was doing his best fish-out-of-water impersonation.  
  
Samantha frowned sympathetically, and Alysha rolled her eyes, muttering 'Drama Queen.'  
  
_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_  
  
Well, that was chappie two, please Review and let us know what you think. Next up, we have the Council of Elrond, and our first encounter with the most evil of creatures.. A MARY-SUE!!!! *Eeek! I'm melting!! Nooo!!*  
  
.:~*~:. Peace, out Nimloth and Andu?nië 


	3. mysterious voices and funny music

AN: oops, we forgot the disclaimer, so for anyone who was planning to sue, we don't own anything you might recognize, that probably belongs to the Tolkiens. Sorry about that.  
  
The Super Troopers take Middle Earth  
  
Chapter Three ____________________  
  
"So Frodo's woken up finally?" Alysha asked Pippin and Sam as they burst into the room where she and Samantha were staying. The two hobbits nodded excitedly.  
  
Samantha yawned, "That's great," she said, stretching out on the bed.  
  
"You don't seem too happy knowing Mr. Frodo's alright," said Samwise, "You did help save him, I should think you'd be elated to know he's awake and well."  
  
Alysha shrugged, "We knew he'd be ok," she explained. "Won't be much of a movie, if he dies every time something bad happened, right?"  
  
The two hobbits just looked confused at all this strange talk of 'movings,' and such. They left the Super Troopers room without another word. Sam looked at Alysha seriously.  
  
"Do ya think Gandy and Elrond will be able to get us back to our world? When's he gonna come talk to us about it? When does the rest of the Fellowship arrive? I'm hungry, what's the time, I'm bored, are we there yet? Can I have an ice cream? What's that? Mummy, she's picking on me! But she started it! I'm bored!"  
  
"You've said 'I'm bored' twice, Sammi."  
  
"Well, I am bored. Is there something we can do?"  
  
Alysha grinned wickedly. "Well, I suppose." She jumped up, and bolted out the door, finding a new target for her evilness. Sammi was hot on her heels.  
  
***  
  
"Do you remember the first time we met? We were right here," Arwen said softly in Elvish to Aragorn as they stood on the bridge hand in hand.  
  
"I thought I had strayed into a dream," he answered in the same language.  
  
"Do you remember what I told you?" She asked him.  
  
"She said you're a big poopy-eater!" Alysha shrieked from where she and Samantha were hidden under the bridge. Aragorn looked curiously at Arwen.  
  
"Did you really?"  
  
"No! Of course not!" She said, rather take aback. "Do you remember what I really told you?"  
  
Aragorn thought for a moment. "Hmm.nope, no idea. What did you say?"  
  
Arwen sighed, mentally cursing the stupidity of mortals. "I said -"  
  
"You smell really bad, and need to wash your hair!"  
  
Arwen looked around, wondering where the voice was coming from. Aragorn looked hurt.  
  
"Do I really smell?"  
  
"No! Well, yeah, but only sometimes, I mean.uh."  
  
"You look like a greasy ape! Take a leaf out of Gandalf's book, and at least brush it occasionally!" There was that strange voice again.  
  
Suddenly Frodo, Elrond and Gandalf came walking down the path towards the bridge with Bilbo. Elrond furrowed his funny eyebrows at the pair of lovebirds on the bridge, and Frodo yelled hello to the pair of trouble making girls under it.  
  
"Hullo, Samantha, Alysha! Over here! Look, I'm all better now! No more fish impersonations!" the hobbit hollered.  
  
"Ah, shit. Go," Alysha muttered to Sammi, and the pair slid out from the other side of the bridge and bolted down the river, leaving the others to diffuse the situation.  
  
"Arwen thinks I smell!" Aragorn whined to Elrond. "I think you should ground her."  
  
"Well, the truth hurts- ah, I mean, that wasn't a very nice thing to say, Arwen."  
  
"But I didn't, Daddy, the little voices yelled it out while I was trying to tell Gorny I was giving up my immortality for him!" Arwen whined back.  
  
"YOU'RE WHAT?!"  
  
"Oopsie."  
  
***  
  
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been gathered here to answer the threat of Mordor.." Elrond began to drone on, and Alysha tuned out.  
  
She pulled her Discman out of her magical bottomless backpack, which had been a present from Harry Potter and his friends when they'd left Hogwarts. She lost herself if the immortal tunes of silverchair, nodding her head slightly to the beat. To her left the dwarves Gimli and Glóin couldn't hear the bass thumping through the headphones, but Thranduil on her right, heard the music clearly thumping with his elven ears.  
  
Samantha, on the other hand, was listening to the conversation intently, though she was floating three feet off her chair, meditating, totally in- tune with her inner-balance, and viewing the whole situation with utter calm.  
  
Point of discussion was on the destruction of the Ring. Gimli jumped to his feet and whacked the One Ring with his axe. We all know what happened then, buh-bye axe.  
  
Elrond shook his head. "The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Glóin, by any craft we here posses. The-"  
  
"Even if Alysha belches on it?" Samantha interrupted, making the huge effort of cracking one eye open.  
  
"No, Samantha, not even if Alysha 'belches' on it, as you so delicately put it. The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom, and only there, can it be unmade."  
  
Suddenly Alysha leapt out of her seat, her eyes still closed, and began to play air guitar, as silverchair's 'Freak' was turned up on her headphones as loud as they could go without imploding.  
  
The Council stared, and turned to Sammi for answers. She simply shrugged, still floating and said "Never, ever interrupt 'Freak.' It's like telling Sauron his mother is a whore, a death wish."  
  
They nodded, and watched the teenage girl leap around, singing to the song, playing her invisible guitar in shock. During this bizarre display, a scream rang out from the sky, and a girl fell down straight on top of Alysha, knocking them both flat to the ground.  
  
Samantha gaped at the girl for a second, nearly falling from her perch in mid-air, before recognizing her. The perfect golden hair, the pouting, pink lips, the annoyingly perfect green eyes, it was none other than a MARY-SUE! Sammi felt anger bubble up from inside her, and then noticed the other Super Trooper's headphones had been knocked clear from her head, mid- 'Freak.'  
  
Alysha sat up, dazed from being smashed right out of the song, and regained her balance. The girl who'd fallen from the sky sat up, perfectly un- phased, and smiled her brilliantly, straight, white grin.  
  
"Hi! I'm Mary-Sue. Oh, wow, you must be Legolas, do you wanna get married?" She said to the shocked elf sitting on the other side of Thranduil to Alysha. But Legolas (well, everyone for that matter) wasn't listening to her.  
  
Alysha stood up from where she was splayed out on the floor, her Discman shattered on the ground, and the CD ruined. Her eyes had changed from their regular hazel-brown to flaming green, which only happens when she's irreversibly pissed off. Samantha was the first to react, as she'd seen this once before.  
  
"I think we should get out of the way."  
  
The Council stared like dim-witted children.  
  
"Seriously," Samantha floated back down in to her chair, "get down and out of the way."  
  
The Council still looked confused.  
  
"HIT THE DECK! TAKE COVER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!" she screamed, diving behind Elrond's little throne thing. Not surprisingly, everyone took her advice after that.  
  
Mary-Sue smiled innocently, looking at Alysha, who was prowling towards her. "Sorry about your Discman, I'd replace it, but I'm not going back to Earth, I'm staying here with Leggy after we get married, and Gandalf turns me into an elf so I can live forever with him and have a bunch of little elflings and-" Alysha grabbed her by the throat.  
  
"Can it. Not only, did you interrupt my song, but you fall into MY story, and try to hit on the guy we were hoping to give a break from Lego-mance for a change, AND you can't replace my Discman, AND it's your fault that my limited-edition, SIGNED silverchair's greatest hits volume one got completely ruined. I think I'll give you five seconds to run, before I break you in half and rip your perfectly annoying, PLASTIC face off!"  
  
Mary-Sue, being so sure of her own talents, and that Legolas would protect her at any cost, did the stupidest thing possible. She stood where she was, and put her fists up, in what looked like an attempt at a defensive position.  
  
"Come and get me.BITCH."  
  
That was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.  
  
A war-cry pierced the air, and a blur of combat boots and brown hair flew at Mary-Sue. A good thing to say was that Alysha was a bit cranky. So less than thirty seconds later, Mary-Sue was flat on her back, bleeding from every hole of her body, shrieking for Legolas's help. But he was hiding behind the same pillar as Pippin, and wasn't game to come out.  
  
Alysha hauled that life-sized Barbie-doll up over her shoulder and threw her across the floor. At this stage, Samantha jumped up from where she was standing, and did something she rarely did, she hit Mary-Sue.  
  
Not hard, really, just a good right hook to the jaw, and a quick knee to the stomach.  
  
"Stay out of our story," she snarled, glaring at the bleeding, awful writer as she slinked away. "Make sure all your other evil Mary-Sue friends stay away, or they'll have me to deal with, and I'm not the nicest person to deal with when I'm unhappy. Just ask Alysha."  
  
"And she's got the demon-horse, so watch your back," added Alysha.  
  
The Super Troopers sat down in their seats, and smiled. "So, where were we up to? Who's gonna take the Ring to Mordor?" Samantha resumed her meditation.  
  
The Council returned to their seats, but not for long, as arguments broke out about the Ring's destruction.  
  
"I will take it."  
  
No one was listening to Frodo.  
  
"I will take it!" Frodo repeated a little louder.  
  
Still no-one heard him.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Samantha's voice rang out above the others. They quieted right away, giving Frodo his opening.  
  
"I said I'd take the Ring to Mordor, though I do not know the way."  
  
Gandalf stepped up to the hobbit. "I will help you with this burden, so long as it is yours to bear."  
  
Kneeling before Frodo, Aragorn said, "If in my life, or my death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."  
  
Legolas and Gimli piped up.  
  
"And you have my bow!"  
  
"And my axe."  
  
Boromir stepped forward. "You carry the fate of us all little one," he said to Frodo. "If it is the will of the Council, the Gondor will see it done."  
  
Sammi smiled and waved her arm and said to anyone listening, 'queue the hobbit."  
  
Samwise popped out of the bushes behind the benches and ran to Frodo's side. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me."  
  
"No, it's seems it's hardly possible to separate you, even when he's summoned to a secret council, and you are not."  
  
"Queue the other hobbits."  
  
"Hey!" Yelled Merry, "we're cumin' too!" He and Pippin ran from behind the pillars.  
  
"Anyways, you people of intelligence for this sorta mission.quest.thing."  
  
"Well, that rules you out Pip," Merry retorted.  
  
"Nine companions, set out for Mordor. Very well, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring." Elrond declared.  
  
"Great," said Pippin.  
  
At the same time, he and Alysha said "Where are we going?"  
  
There was much chatter, and Elrond approached the Super Troopers. "I'll speak with you after the Council is adjourned."  
  
***  
  
That night, after dinner, Elrond summoned The Super Troopers to his common room. "I have spoken with Gandalf," he said gravely, "and there's nothing that we alone can do to get both of you home. Our power alone isn't enough to open the portal that your horse bought you through to arrive here."  
  
Samantha cursed under her breath, wondering if there was any chance that Blackjack and she could have won the hunter jump-off had he not bought them here.  
  
"There is a chance to get you back home, should the Lady Galadriel combine her powers with Gandalf's and my own. That amount of strength may be enough to open the dimension rip again."  
  
"You mean the power of the Three Elven rings could send us home?" Alysha asked.  
  
"Yes. Wait. How did you know about that?"  
  
"Never mind, I have a vague idea about what going to happen for the rest of the Third Age, so it makes sense I know where all the Elven rings are." Alysha answered, hoping no-one thought her knowledge of the future was actually through a gift of fore-sight.  
  
"So, where do we have to go?" Sammi asked.  
  
"I'll have to send you with the Fellowship as far as Lorthlórien. There, you will have council with Galadriel, and we shall see what is to become of the pair of you," Elrond answered. "Get some rest, the Company will leave tomorrow, at sundown."  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Well, that was chappie three. Please read and review, flames are not nice, but CC is cool.  
  
.:~*~:. Peace, out Nimloth & Andu?nië 


	4. bikinis and Elfliquor

Just a warning, this chapter contains a passage with a bit of swearing, and marijuana references, and although it contains a relevant message. But nothing too insulting we hope, so let us know if we've gone overboard.  
  
Thanks to our reviewers: Edgy Wedgy, Edgy Wedgy, Edgy Wedgy, and Celtic Star Dawn. Ta lovies!  
  
The Super Troopers take Middle Earth  
  
Chapter Four.  
  
Samwise patted Bill the pony lovingly, while Boromir piled packs onto the beast's back. Samantha was fiddling with her new Elven walking boots that were a gift from Arwen, trying to get used to them. Aragorn was all but singing his goodbyes to Arwen while Merry and Pippin made gagging noises. Frodo was staring off into space, waiting for the Fellowship to get all their stuff together. Legolas and Gimli were having a glaring contest, and Alysha was twanging the string of her new bow, and adjusting the straps of her magical bottomless backpack.  
  
"I love you, Arwen," Aragorn sapped, "I'll be back soon and we'll get married, and live happily ever after and I-" Alysha cut him off.  
  
"Alright, enough with the Days of our Lives shit, please, let's just get this show on the road and get as far as we can before I can't see my hand infront of my face." Everyone else sniggered; glad that Aragorn's pathetic, watery, sappy, mushy goodbyes were ended.  
  
Blackjack had to stay in Rivendell, until Elrond went to see Galadriel in Lórien. They would send him back together, as a horse wasn't as easy to send through a time and space rip, back to another dimension as a pair of teenagers.  
  
Elrond and a bunch of random elves waved as the Fellowship and the Super Troopers left Imaldris. The funky music started and the Fellowship moved through four or five scene sets in forty seconds. Next thing the Super Troopers knew they were sitting on a pile of rocks, watching Boromir teach Merry and Pippin to fight with their teeny-tiny-little hobbit swords.  
  
Legolas jumped over Alysha, who was lying on the rock next to Samantha, both with a towel and bikini from her magical bottomless backpack, sun baking. Legolas stared off to the horizon at the funny cloud. "What's that?"  
  
Boromir accidently hit Pippin's hand with the sword, and the two hobbits tackled him flat. Aragorn, smoking his weed, and Samwise eating on a rock next to Frodo cracked up laughing.  
  
"It's nothing, just a whip of cloud," Gimli answered.  
  
Boromir stood and looked at the cloud. "It's moving fast, against the wind."  
  
"Oh my god! It's those spying birdie things from Dunland!" Alysha cried.  
  
"Hide!" yelled Samantha and Aragorn at the same time.  
  
Everyone dove into the nearest bush or under the nearest boulder. With the exception of the Super Troopers, who'd just stayed on the rock in their bikinis, Alysha pulling her blue-tinted sunglasses off the top of her head over her eyes.  
  
"Alysha! Samantha! Get down!" Gandalf yelled. But the spying birdie things were getting closer, and Gandalf dived back behind his boulder.  
  
The spying birdie things flew down towards their camp, squawking noisily. One swooped a little too close to Alysha for her comfort, and she sat bolt upright.  
  
"BUGGER OFF!"  
  
The spying birdie things started and scattered, before flying back towards the mountain range where they'd come from.  
  
"Spies of Saruman," Gandalf stated as he climbed out from under his rock. "The passage South is being watched. We must take the pass over Caradhras."  
  
The Fellowship did that annoying scene changing thing, and the Super Troopers were stumbling along behind the gang, still in their bikinis IN THE SNOW! Alysha was cursing so foully under her breath, that to hear her words would cause a fully grown man to break down in tears, crying for his mummy.  
  
Alysha rummaged around in her bag, until she found a massive leather and fur-lined overcoat. She and Samantha walked close together, huddling under the jacket, and Samantha began to mutter about what she would do to Gandalf for dragging them over the snow.when she could feel her hands again.  
  
At some point, the Super Troopers found thirty seconds to get changed into jeans and the big leather and fur-lined overcoats. Then that big annoying blizzard came a-blowing in.  
  
Samantha, in her new Elven boots, and Legolas, being an Elf, walked on top of the snow, not sinking in up to their armpits like the rest of the Fellowship. Alysha glared at them, jealously.  
  
Legolas jogged to the front of their little parade, standing above Gandalf, listening to the wind. "There is a fell voice on the air."  
  
"It's Saruman," muttered Alysha.  
  
"It's Saurmaaaaannn!" Gandy yelled.  
  
"See."  
  
The mountain above the Fellowship got hit by lightning and a heap of snow fell, covering everyone.except Alysha. She'd pulled an umbrella from her magical bottomless backpack, and the snow fell around her.  
  
"Heeheehee."  
  
Legolas popped out of the snow drift. Like a daisy. The hobbits that were connected to Boromir came out of the drift, coughing and spluttering, flowed shortly by Gimli doing his funny little growly thing.  
  
Gimli: "Grrrah!"  
  
"He's trying to bring down the mountain. Gandalf, we must go back and make for the Gap of Rohan," Aragorn yelled to the wrinkly old guy at the front of the line.  
  
"NOOOO!!" Gandalf yelled like a whining child who didn't want to go visit Granny.  
  
"The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard," Boromir stated.  
  
Gimli started jumping up and down, "If we cannot go over the mountain, let us go under it, let us go through the mines of Moria."  
  
Saruman's voice over: "Moria.you fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily, and to deep, you know what they awoke in the deep parts of the Earth. Shadow and Flame."  
  
"Let the Ringbearer decide."  
  
Frodo considered for a moment. "We shall go through the Gap of Rohan."  
  
Gandalf nodded, "Very w-"  
  
Gimli threw himself onto the snow, kicking and wailing, "I wanna go through the mines! I wanna go thorough the mines! I don't wanna go to the big, stupid Gap of Rohan! I wanna see Balin in Moria!"  
  
Blink. Blink.  
  
"Fine," said Frodo, "We'll go through the mines."  
  
Gandalf sighed, and Alysha struggled to put her umbrella back into her magical bottomless backpack.  
  
On arriving, the doors to Moria were glowing, and Gandalf translated the words above the door. He began to say 'open, open' in every language conceivable, and he doors still wouldn't open.  
  
Alysha walked quietly over to Sammi. "Do you think we should tell him it's a riddle yet?"  
  
Samantha debated for a second, before they both decided.  
  
"Nah."  
  
"They'll figure it out eventually, and we'd be taking Frodo's due credit away from him if we told Gandy."  
  
"Told Gandalf what?" Asked Frodo, coming over to the Super Troopers.  
  
"Oh, just that the doors are a riddle and that you have to say the Elvish word for friend to get in."  
  
"Alysha!"  
  
"Oh, oops."  
  
Frodo ran over to Gandalf, "Gandalf, it's a riddle! What's the Elvish word for friend?"  
  
Gandalf opened his mouth to reply, but Samantha cut him off. "Why would you ask a wizard what the Elvish word for friend is? Why not ask an Elf?" She waved at Legolas, who was sitting under a stubby excuse for a tree, trying to get comfortable.  
  
"Mellon," he said. The doors swung open, the stone making an awful grounding noise.  
  
The Super Troopers stood at the door, not sure whether to go inside or not. The water rippled, and the double bass music started playing in the background. From inside they heard Boromir yell for everyone to get out.  
  
A tentacle slid past The Super Troopers, grabbing Frodo by the ankle. Alysha pouted angrily. "Why does everything always happen to Frodo? Stupid, little attention seeker."  
  
"STRIDER!" The hobbit screeched from where he was dangling above the water. Merry began hacking at the tentacle with his sword while the other two pulled at Frodo's wrists. Boromir came charging out with Legolas and Aragorn close in tow. They began chopping and shooting the Guardian's tentacles. Alysha just watched amusedly, Samantha collapsed in a fit of giggles on the ground next to her.  
  
"I reckon that thing'd make a hell of a lot of calamari, don't ya reckon?"  
  
Samantha was giggling to the point of hyperventilation by now, but the pair decided it would be a good idea to help. They jumped up and bolted into the water, each grabbing as many tentacles at once as they could.  
  
"GO!" Sammi yelled. They ran around each other several times, still holding the tentacles, the result being a lovely braid.  
  
While Samantha held on, Alysha tied the bundle of floppy things up with a big pink ribbon from her magical bottomless backpack. By this stage, the rest of the Fellowship had gotten Frodo back, and were presently dragging the Super Troopers back into the mines.  
  
The roof collapsed and the door was blocked off, but no-one could figure out how that happened.  
  
"We have only one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria," Gandalf announced.  
  
"Everyone, watch out for Balrogs!" warned Alysha.  
  
"And cave trolls!" added Samantha.  
  
"Don't forget about the orcs," they stated together, before giggling insanely.  
  
The hobbits now looked down right terrified. Not without good reason, considering Gandalf couldn't remember where he was half the time. He was always saying "Where are we again," or "I have no memory of this place."  
  
The Fellowship plus the Super Troopers were sitting around at a junction, waiting for Gandalf to remember where they were going. The hobbits, (all but Frodo) the two men, the dwarf and the wizard all broke out the bongs, and began to smoke their weed. Legolas, Alysha, Samantha, and Frodo pulled disgusted faces. Alysha began grabbing bongs from everyone and throwing them down into the ravine.  
  
"Hey! What the hell was that for?!" Aragorn growled angrily. Alysha punched him in the nose.  
  
"Smoking is bad for your health, you bloody moron. Weed is even worse. It's no wonder Gandy doesn't have a clue where he is, and why his skin is so awful, he's a fucking pothead, just like the rest of you!"  
  
She was getting a little worked up.  
  
Samantha pulled her best friend into a hug and walked her away from the group, followed by Legolas and Frodo, wanting to get away from the smoke.  
  
Gandalf looked around and sniffed the air. "It's that way," he said, walking towards a passage.  
  
"Ah, he's remembered!" Merry cried happily.  
  
"No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow you're nose."  
  
"It only smells better because that passage isn't full of dead bodies and bong-smoke," Alysha muttered, as she sulked at the back of the group. Samantha just smiled, and patted her on the shoulder.  
  
The Fellowship plus the Super Troopers entered the massive hall of the Darrowdelf.  
  
"Wow, big hall."  
  
Yep, Samantha can always sum up a situation in less than five words. There was light to their right, and the gang could see a shaft of sunlight coming through the roof, into a room.  
  
"That's the tomb," Samantha whispered to Sam and Pippin. Gimli, behind them, gasped and bolted towards the light. He broke down crying at the foot of the tomb, and Gandalf read to everyone the inscription on the stone.  
  
"'Here lies Balin, Lord of Moria.' He is dead then." The atmosphere was sombre.  
  
"We need a wake," announced Alysha.  
  
"What?"  
  
"A wake, it's a party that we have after a funeral to celebrate the person's life, and to make the grieving after the funeral a bit easier. We should have one for Balin, and all the other dwarves who died here."  
  
Gimli smiled, though you couldn't really tell through is beard. "Break out the Elf-liquor." And he began to drink from a hip flask. An hour later, the Fellowship and the Super Troopers, were pleasantly wasted, making merry, and talking, but somehow, the boom box Alysha had pulled from her magical bottomless backpack didn't alert every orc in Moria of their presence.  
  
The next day, they all woke up all over the tomb, some a little hung over, some not.  
  
Gimli was curled up with his arms around Gandalf; Aragorn, Hobbit Sam, and Frodo were splayed over the tomb; Boromir was sitting against the wall with Pippin and Merry using his legs like pillows and Samantha was asleep under his shield, and somehow, after all the hours, Alysha and Legolas were still going, drinking the last few drops of Elf-liquor from one of Gimli's many hip flasks. But they were so far gone; they may as well have been asleep, anyway.  
  
Pippin woke up, and wandered around, knocking into things, and bumping things over. He woke everyone.  
  
"Fool of a Took," Gandalf grumbled, clutching his head and moaning in pain.  
  
Pippin stumbled, and bumped into the well, knocking the carcass of a dwarf in, and causing an echo to bounce around all of Moria.  
  
"Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity."  
  
The drums began to thump, and most of the Fellowship grabbed their ears, groaning in pain. HANGOVER!! Alysha and Legolas were imitating the drums.  
  
"Boom, Boom, hic, boom." They broke into a fit of drunken giggles.  
  
Boromir staggered to the door, and peeked outside. He nearly got hit by a bunch of arrows. "They have one of 'em big thingies, those...ahh, cave hobbits, no troll, they have a cave troll."  
  
"Goody! I love this part!" Samantha had an illegal amount of enthusiasm for this hour of morning.  
  
Gimli jumped up on Balin's tomb. "Let them come! There's one dwarf in Moria yet who still draws breath!"  
  
The doors were barred, and Aragorn was trying to get Legolas to pick up his bow and help defend the door. A hole appeared in the wood, and Legolas shot drunkenly at the door, his aim hitting the hole perfectly anyway.  
  
The orcs burst through the door, and did their awful screechy thing. Alysha mooned them. A good half of the orcs stopped in horror and bolted for all they were worth after seeing that.  
  
"Heeheehee."  
  
Samwise jumped out of the way, as the cave hobbit, ah, troll smashed it's was into the room. Samantha squealed and pulled Boromir's shield over her head, but not before Alysha dove in with her.  
  
The Fellowship cleaned up the rest of the orcs and the cave troll, before the Super Troopers even thought about coming out from where they were hiding under Boromir's massive shield.  
  
"Well," Samantha announced, "I did a bloody good job, don't ya think?"  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Well, that was chapter four, and the next one is on its way. Apologies for the character mutilation, but we thought it was funny when we wrote it. hehehe.  
  
.:~*~:. Peace, out Nimloth & Andu?nië 


	5. fire extinguishers and elven shampoo

AN: Sorry it took sooooo long to update, but there's this thing called time, which neither of us have anymore. But hey, on with the story.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
The Super Troopers take Middle Earth Chapter 5  
  
The Fellowship plus the Super Troopers ran from the tomb of Balin, and into the great hall of Darrowdelf. All around them, Orcs were appearing, running down the pillars, popping out of random cracks in walls, climbing out of holes in the floor. Before they knew what was happening, they were completely surrounded.  
  
"Look! A diversion!" Alysha yelled, pointing in the first random direction she thought of, and all the orcs looked.  
  
The Fellowship and The Super Troopers snuck through the wall of ugly little snarling creatures and continued to run towards the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm.  
  
Halfway across the hall, Sammi noticed that the orcs had disappeared as quickly as they'd come, and the far corner of the hall looked to be alight. Then the big, bad, Balrog came into view. Gandalf could be heard yelling 'Swords are of no more use here! Fly!' And the flaming bull-like thingy got even closer.  
  
"Oh, shittie poo poo head. Alysha! Oi! Moron, we need to do something about that damn Balrog, it's singeing my hair!"  
  
Alysha shrugged, and pulled a couple of fire-extinguishers from her magical- bottomless backpack, and tossed one to her fellow Super Trooper.  
  
"Ready?"  
  
Sammi nodded, ready. Alysha swung the fire-extinguisher's hose in the air and yelled "CHARGE!"  
  
The manic pair ran straight at the flaming beast, which skidded to a halt, staring in the utter most horror at the contraptions in the girls' hands. It turned and attempted to flee, but the Super Troopers were on it in a second, spraying their chemical foam all over the Balrog, putting out its bodily flames.  
  
"Take that, fascist demon!"  
  
The Balrog covered its privates, no longer wearing its flaming frock, and blushed pink. Sammi wiggled her pinkie finger at it, crudely mocking its embarrassing situation, and Alysha frolicked about, doing the happy dance again.  
  
"Off you go then, buh-bye, tata, bon voyage!" Sammi waved innocently at the Balrog, as it slinked away, though Alysha, showing no shame or modesty, waved but a singular finger in a rather crude fashion. She giggled wackily.  
  
Apparently the Fellowship was getting used to their companion's atrocious antics and bizarre behaviour. They merely shrugged, and the hobbits thanked the Super Troopers for getting rid of the big, bad Balrog.  
  
So on they journeyed, and upon arriving at the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm, the super Troopers made a shocking realization. Gandalf was still alive, and the Balrog was no longer around to get him to fall into the crevasse. The whole story would be ruined and their chances of getting to Lórien were screwed.  
  
"You think you can handle a diversion? I'll take care of the rest," Sammi said quietly to Alysha. Alysha grinned evilly, and nodded. Samantha frowned. "A diversion that doesn't involve running around naked, my eyes have seen enough horror in the past few days thank you very much, Alysha."  
  
Alysha pouted, and turned to the rest of the Fellowship. Same trick she played on the orcs. "Look! A diversion so Samantha can shove Gandalf into the big gorge without you seeing!"  
  
The Fellowship looked.  
  
Samantha shoved.  
  
Gandalf fell.  
  
Everyone gasped.  
  
"Oh, nooooo! Poor Gandy fell off the bridge! Dearie me. What ever will we do?" Sammi said with no emotion in her voice.  
  
"Everyone look sad like you'll miss him," Alysha quipped, her voice dripping with sarcasm.  
  
The hobbits were in tears, Aragorn's mouth was hanging open in shock, Legolas and Gimli were nowhere to be seen, and Boromir had picked up Frodo, who was attempting to fling himself into the black hole after Gandalf, as if he had a chance to save the old geezer.  
  
"Okie doke, enough mourning, let's go! Lórien, here we come!" Alysha and Sammi happily began to skip towards the green exit sign hanging on the wall.  
  
***  
  
Outside Moria, the Fellowship broke down and allowed themselves to grieve Gandalf's 'tragic demise' by collapsing onto the ground crying their eyes out. Only Aragorn and the Super Troopers seemed to be temporarily unfazed by the old fellow's departure.  
  
Well, Aragorn had to keep professional, for he was now the leader of the Fellowship of the Ring, and the Super Troopers knew Gandy'd be back eventually.  
  
"Legolas get them up," Aragorn said softly to the elf. Legolas looked at him strangely, almost as if he didn't understand the command.  
  
"Give them a moment for pity's sake!" Boromir scolded Aragorn, motioning towards Pippin who was curled up in a ball with his head on Merry's lap, crying like a baby.  
  
"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs," Aragorn reasoned. "We must reach the woods of Lorthlórien." And he proceeded to pull Samwise to his feet.  
  
Sammi helped Merry up, giving him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. Alysha 'accidently' tripped over Aragorn's pack, spilling its contents everywhere. Sammi smirked. There was a caring side to Alysha, and she obviously didn't appreciate that Aragorn had been so heartless about losing Gandalf, even if it was partly her fault. Occasionally, Alysha let other people see that deep down she did have a heart. Samantha's thoughts were interrupted by the thud of Alysha 'clumsily knocking Strider in the head with a fire- extinguisher.'  
  
Maybe deep down. REALLY deep down. Like as deep as her magical bottomless backpack, maybe??  
  
So on they journeyed, spending most of the time jogging (or in Alysha's case, riding her trail bike) towards the Golden Wood. Legolas practically danced with joy to be in the trees again, especially such as the ones growing in Lórien.  
  
Alysha got off her trail bike and by some unknown miracle, shoved it back into her backpack and continued to walk like a civilized person.  
  
"Stay close, young hobbits," Gimli said, motioning for Frodo and Merry to step closer. "They say a great sorceress lives in these woods. An elf-witch of terrible power."  
  
Galadriel's voice floated on the air: "You're coming to us."  
  
Gimli continued; "All who see her, fall under her spell."  
  
Galadriel's ghostly voice was at their ears again; "These are the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here, Ring-Bearer."  
  
"Can it, Gladdie, it's not like the poor hobbit had a choice in the matter," Samantha said irritably.  
  
".And are never seen again." Gimli finally finished. "Well, here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk, and ears of a fox!"  
  
"HI, HALDIR!" Alysha said loudly, ruining his surprise entrance. The blonde elf pouted and knocked an arrow anyway, pointing it into her face. Alysha fought back a grin, and lost her control at the sound of Legolas readying his own arrow next to her in their defence. She collapsed onto the ground in a fit off giggles, shortly followed by Samantha, and the hobbits. Gimli, Boromir and Aragorn were still standing, snickering as they attempted to hold guard, and even the Elves were struggling to keep straight faces.  
  
Alysha had always had the talent to make people laugh, no matter how depressing or infuriating a situation may be. She only had to think something amusing, and Samantha would break up.  
  
"Well, aside from the yelling mortal," Haldir started as he eyed Alysha, "the dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark."  
  
"Well, that's not nice, Hally!" Gawd, Sammi had already given him a nickname. Heaven help him. Well he was kind of cute.  
  
Aragorn straightened up, and asked Haldir for the protection of the Lady of the Wood.  
  
"The Lady never mentioned a mixed up fellowship of anything needing protection, but she did mention that there would be two mortal little girls. (Alysha and Samantha tag-team death glare) ladies," Haldir corrected himself, "would need her counsel."  
  
"Goodo, off we go then! Gladdie, here we come!"  
  
***  
  
"When will they end?!" Sammi wailed, climbing the seemingly endless flight of stairs up the side of a tree, into the tree top city of Lórien. Alysha beside her shrugged, and continued to count.  
  
"1538.1539.1540."  
  
They were barely half way!  
  
Upon reaching the top of the tree, Lady Galadriel and Celeborn came down the stair, glowing in their funny elven light. Galadriel spoke to each of the members of the Fellowship in turn, talking both out loud, and in everyone's head.  
  
When her greetings had finished, the Super Troopers wasted no time, in gushing about how beautiful her hair was, and begged her to tell them what shampoo she used, while at the same time, suggesting that she drop the lace flowing thing, and go for a garment that required a little less maintenance.  
  
"I thank you pair for your compliments and I suggest that you go with the Fellowship and rest. Tomorrow, you will come to my talan, and we shall have our own little Council about how to get the pair of you home, is that a deal?"  
  
The Super Troopers nodded, and bounded down the 3584 steps to where the Fellowship was camped at the bottom, near a little fountain.  
  
Alysha pulled a boom box from her magical bottomless backpack, and began to play her version of relaxation music: a mixture of motorcycle engines, horse whinnies, rain and someone laughing. Although loud and unconventional, the 'music' had the desired affect, and the whole Fellowship was asleep within minutes.  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
Short 'n' sweet, hope you liked it! Next up, a decision on the Super Trooper's fate, and dun dun duuuuuun, that Final Battle Scene! OoOoOoOoooh. See you all soon.  
  
Peace, out Nimloth and Andúnië 


	6. makeovers and signed posters

AN: Nearly finished the Fellowship of the Ring part of our story. We were thinking of continuing into the Two Towers, and on again into the Return of the King. Do y'all think we should? Well, one way or another, here's the next chapter..  
  
The Super Troopers take Middle-Earth Chapter 6  
  
***  
  
No one was really sure of just how long they remained in Lórien, but it was a long time. The Fellowship seemed to be handling the 'loss' of Gandalf rather well, and got over it in time, whereas the Super Troopers, were more worried about getting home.  
  
During their council with Galadriel, besides learning that she used 'Elven Essences' shampoo, they were told that neither Galadriel, nor Elrond could risk exposing their rings, while Sauron was still a threat. They would have to continue with the Fellowship, to ensure the One Ring was destroyed, and Samantha was NOT happy about that.  
  
"I've totally missed my jumping competition, and I'm so not pleased about another few weeks with those smelly.. unhygienic..MEN!"  
  
"Sammi, they aren't all men, in case you haven't noticed. Males, yes, but there are technically only two men in the Fellowship. The rest are hobbits, or whatnot."  
  
"Strike seven-hundred and thirty-five, Alysha."  
  
"You still keep count?"  
  
Samantha just nodded.  
  
***  
  
In a fit of total boredom, the Super Troopers, in their usual insanity, seemed to think it was a good idea to give the rest of the Fellowship a make-over each.  
  
They introduced Boromir to razors, and taught him how to shave properly. They re-did all of Gimli's beard braids, and taught him how to accessorise different hair scrunchies with different outfits. Feeling confident, they straightened a few of the hobbit's heads of hair, and gave them trims to rid them of the split ends, and showed Frodo which eyeliner brought out his eyes the best.  
  
On a rather insane trip, Alysha even braved washing Aragorn's hair. After three washes with heavy-duty oil control shampoo, Sammi came in with the Elven Essences. After a few hours work, they had the Ranger's hair slick and shiny and braided back into a French Bun. The Super Troopers spent a good half hour admiring ther handiwork.  
  
"Bravo, Samantha."  
  
"Good job, Alysha."  
  
"Fine work, indeed, wouldn't you say?"  
  
"Absolutely. Brilliant work."  
  
"Super."  
  
"Stupendous."  
  
"Marvellous."  
  
"Absolutely smashing, won't you say?"  
  
"Indeed, good man. Bloody bril."  
  
"Completely per-"  
  
"Is this going to go on much longer?" Legolas interrupted. The Super Troopers scowled at him, before they shook their heads in defeat. Legolas sighed, and just began enjoying the silence again, when Alysha's face clouded over, with a look of pure mischief and plotting. At this, the Elf began to panic. "What?"  
  
Alysha stalked towards him, grinning even wider as he backed away. "Samantha, dear. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
  
"Indeed, Alysha. Shall we?"  
  
"Go get the stuff. I'll restrain him."  
  
Legolas panicked more.  
  
"What are you going to do to me?" He asked, backing up into the trunk of a tree. Alysha's face stretched into a smirk.  
  
"My dear, Legolas. We're going to give you a make over. And not just any make over. We're giving you a PUNK-over." At Legolas' horrified look, she smiled more. "Trust me."  
  
Famous last words..  
  
A good hour and a bit later, the Super Troopers had transformed the blonde Elf into the very essence of punk. And surprisingly, he kind of liked it, though he'd noted it would only be a 'special occasions' thing because the look was too hard to maintain while on the road with the Fellowship.  
  
The girls had put bright blue hair fudge through the tips of Legolas' blonde hair, and put it into cornrows, given him a spiked choker and matching cuff, along with a collector's edition 'One Ring' that Sammi had found in the magical bottomless backpack. Frodo seemed to find this undyingly amusing, and Boromir asked if he could have it. When Legolas agreed, it seemed that his wanting for the actual Ring was eased..for now.  
  
***  
  
Later in their stay, Haldir came to the Fellowship and the Super Troopers and told them it was time to meet with Galadriel and Celeborn for the last time before they left. Now was when Galadriel gave them her gifts.  
  
Frodo, of course, got the Light of Eärendil, in a little glass phial, Samwise was given a box of 'blessed' dirt, and the seed of a mallorn tree. To Pippin, Boromir and Merry, she gave high quality belts, with fancy buckles, and she gave to Aragorn a brooch with a pretty stone in it. Legolas was given a quiver of arrows to go with the fancy bow he'd received, and Gimli was given tiny braid out of Galadriel's hair.  
  
"Aww, how sweet!"  
  
We all know Samantha's a closet romantic, and a piece of hair was just the sort of thing that'd appeal to her. Then Galadriel came to The Super Troopers.  
  
"Dude, why are we getting stuff too? We aren't even supposed to be here!"  
  
"Because, Alysha, you pair are also part of the Fellowship, in an unofficial sort of way. And you have been guests here in Lórien, and all the other guests received gifts. It would be improper to forget about you and your part in the Quest."  
  
"Uh.. cool?"  
  
Galadriel gave to Samantha a pendant made from mithril with a little red stone set into it, in the shape of an Elvish knot. (Think like a Celtic knot) while Alysha was given a dagger with Elvish writing in the hilt.  
  
"What's that say?"  
  
"It says Aralalaith, for that is the Elvish translation of your name. Aralalaith means 'noble and laughter' and Alysha means 'noble and of good cheer.'"  
  
"Cool?"  
  
"Righto, to the boats!"  
  
Haldir met the Fellowship at the river, with three boats.  
  
"Good luck, everyone," he said. Alysha and Samantha glanced at each other, knowing the Fellowship would need all the luck they could get, especially with them tagging along.  
  
"Hey, Sammi," Alysha said as they climbed down the bank towards the boats, "What are we going to do about Boromir? Think we should stop him from dying?"  
  
"Wouldn't that ruin the story?"  
  
Alysha shrugged. "We could convince him to stay away from everything till the end of the War." Samantha just grunted in agreement, and Alysha got an idea..  
  
***  
  
Aragorn, Samwise, and Frodo took the first boat, followed by Merry, Pippin, Sammi and Boromir in the second, and Legolas, Gimli and Alysha brought up the rear. It didn't take long for Alysha to begin to complain. She hated to sit still for very long, and four days in a boat with in irritated Dwarf and a completely jumpable Elf wasn't doing anyone any good.  
  
Samantha found a way to help her best friend channel her energy, but pulling out Jet Ski's from the magical bottomless backpack, and they pair went roaring around on the River. Both Super Troopers found it undyingly amusing when Gimli tried to ride Alysha's Jet Ski, and nearly crashed it headlong into the foot of the Argonath. (Those really big statues for those who didn't know) Poor Dwarf's ego was bruised for the hours of Legolas' teasing.  
  
Eventually came the day when the Uruk-Hai were heard running along the river near them. Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir were getting all jittery, sensing them coming closer, but the hobbits, and Gimli didn't notice, and The Super Troopers didn't care.  
  
The Fellowship plus the Super Troopers pulled over of the side of the river, and began to set up camp. Aragorn began to describe the rest of their journey, through the Dead Marshes into Mordor, which seemed to irritate Gimli, complaining that the marshlands would be virtually impossible to cross.  
  
"Hey, Merry, Frodo's not here," Sammi whispered to the hobbit. He frowned, and asked the group if they'd seen him.  
  
"Boromir's gone too."  
  
Aragorn began to worry. He sent the whole Fellowship out looking for the Ringbearer and the Gondor man. During their search, a piercing cry split the air. The Super Troopers froze.  
  
"You don't think?"  
  
"It couldn't possibly?"  
  
They turned and ran towards the top of the hill, where the Uruk-Hai and Frodo were expected to be. To the Super Troopers' utter-most horror, the orc-half-breeds were already at the top of the hill, and with them, were the most feared creatures in existence..  
  
Fan-girls.  
  
That word was enough to strike terror into the hearts of any movie star, or dimensionally misplaced character. No-one seemed to notice Frodo fly past them, heading for the lake. Samantha sprang into action.  
  
"Legolas won't be here for a few minutes, so they'll go for Aragorn first. I'll take care of that, you need to go and warn the others away!" she called to Alysha.  
  
Alysha ran down the hill, following the trail that Frodo had just taken. Along the way, she bumped into Legolas and Gimli, as expected, and she insisted for them to wait until the screaming died down, before going to Aragorn's assistance. Then she ran for the camp, to catch up with Boromir.  
  
"Trust me, you'll need this." Alysha handed the hairy bloke a bullet proof vest from her magical bottomless backpack, and insisted that he wear it. "It'll do you a lot more good than just a shirt. It'll save you life, and it'll be hell for your insurance if you don't wear it!" she insisted. Boromir looked at her strangely, not comprehending what insurance was.  
  
"Look, if you wear the vest when you go in to fight the Orcs and Fan-girls, then you'll live through the battle and you can go for a nice long vacation in the Grey Havens, if you don't, you'll get shot up with arrows and die, fair deal?"  
  
Boromir shrugged and put on the vest, picked up his massive shield and ran for the hill, ready to fight. Alysha cracked her knuckles, and adjusted the laces on her army boots, before pulling out a stack of signed Fellowship posters. Time to fend off the Fan-girls.  
  
***  
  
"ARAGORN!"  
  
The ranger looked up to see Samantha charging towards him, pointing madly behind him. He turned to see what was causing her so much distress, and his heart nearly stopped. Literally hundreds of orcs were marching up the hill towards him, but they were the least of his worries.  
  
Fifty girls, all dressed in outfits very similar to that of the Fellowship's, (some even wore fake Elf ears,) but all had in their hands, autograph books, and felt pens. Aragorn had heard tales of these creatures, and heard they were among the foulest and most evil beings in the mortal lands. And for maybe the second time in his entire life, Aragorn was frightened. The girls had spotted him.  
  
"VIGGO!"  
  
The screams were ear splitting, and they charged, leaving the Uruk-Hai to search for the hobbits unhindered. Aragorn's first impulse was to run, but someone grabbed him from behind. It was Samantha.  
  
"What the heck's wrong with you? You can't let them see you, or they'll attack!" she hissed, pinning the Ranger against a pillar. The fan-girls charged past, running down the hill. The pair watched carefully, both of them jumpy, and nervous about the near miss. Needless to say, they both nearly shit themselves when Legolas' hands touched their shoulders.  
  
"Are they -?"  
  
"Ahhh!"  
  
Aragorn and Samantha spun around at the sound of his voice, one pulling out his sword, the other holding out a special edition DVD of the Fellowship of the Ring.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
Samantha looked at her chosen weapon and blushed. "Seemed like a good idea for fending them off." Legolas quirked an eyebrow, and Sammi just shrugged. She suddenly seemed to remember what was happening and gasped "Sam and Frodo!" before taking off down the hill in the opposite direction that the orcs and fan-girls had gone.  
  
"I think they're gone for now," Gimli said, as he kept watch through a gap in the pillars. Even as he said this, a horn blast rang out, shockingly loud, and the fan-girls could be heard screaming.  
  
"That was the horn of Gondor!" Legolas said as the sound began to echo. Aragorn shoved past the Elf, running towards the sound.  
  
"Boromir!"  
  
"Let's go!"  
  
The dwarf, the elf, and the man's progress down the hill was hindered by the orcs that were also heading for the noise, and when they arrived, finally, at the bottom, the sight was certainly one to see..  
  
***  
  
Alysha and Boromir arrived at the battle just as Merry and Pippin were surrounded by orcs on all sides.  
  
"TALLYHO!"  
  
The pair of warriors charged into the fray, driving orcs aside, and fighting their way to the hobbits. Well, Boromir did the fighting. Alysha followed behind him, belting his leftovers on the head with an abandoned orc shield, being not that much of an expert on swordplay.  
  
Mr. Ugly Orc came up over the hill, with his nasty looking bow, and loaded an enormous arrow into it. Alysha turned to Boromir.  
  
"This is where the vest will come in handy!" she yelled to him.  
  
"What?" he asked, just as the Big Ugly Orc let his arrow loose. WHACK! It hit Boromir right in the chest, and got stuck in the vest, but not deep enough to cause any damage. Boromir looked at his chest in amazement, before hacking another random orc's arm off. Alysha grinned and grabbed the horn of Gondor from his belt, and blew three short blasts.  
  
Oh, sure it got the rest of the Fellowship's attention, but it also got the rest of the orc brigade's attention too. They came flooding over the hill like a tidal wave, followed shortly by a massive group of fan-girls.  
  
"Look!" cried their leader. "It's Dominic, Billy, and Sean! Let's get their autographs!" The fan-girls cheered and ran at them, waving their signature books in the air. Alysha growled.  
  
"Oh, no you don't!" Just before they reached the hobbits and Boromir, the Super Trooper pulled out her stack of signed Fellowship posters, and waved them in the air. It served as a perfect decoy. The hoard of animal like girls wheeled around and began grabbing at Alysha, fighting for the pictures of Legolas and Frodo.  
  
Alysha thought she was going to die. The fan-girl's feet were pounding on her, and the scream's were all but deafening. The Super Trooper's salvation came in the form of a 16hh black, Standardbred demon horse. Blackjack had been released from Rivendell and sent to Lórien, from where he followed The Fellowship. Alysha had never been gladder to see her nemesis.  
  
"JACK!" she screamed. The horse pricked his ears up, and ran to trample his owner's best friend, in doing so, stomped the fan-girls out of the way. He reared, his manic eyes glowing red, and was about to squish the Super Trooper for good, when Alysha held up her hands and yelled to the horse.  
  
"Jack! See those girls over there? They called you stupid!"  
  
The horse froze, mid-rear, and twitched slightly.  
  
"Yeah, that's right, Jacky, they said you were a big stupid git of a horse! They were going to send you to the glue factory!"  
  
Blackjack dropped onto all fours, and screamed a ferocious sounding neigh that rang for miles. Then he charged. Now as we discovered in the first few chapters of the story, Blackjack wants to kill Alysha, and in her totally un-biased point of view, believes that he's possessed by some Alysha-hating demon. But one way or the other, he's nasty in a foul mood. The poor fan girls didn't stand a chance.  
  
Oh my gods. Did I just sympathise with fan girls? What the heck is wrong with me? YAY! Jack squished them!  
  
Alysha looked around for the hobbits and Boromir while Blackjack was attacking the fan-girls. The orcs had already grabbed up the hobbits, and Alysha, much as she wanted to, made no effort to stop them. One thing she couldn't do was mess with the plot line too much. She'd already taken a big risk, by saving Boromir's life. 'Oh, crap! Boromir!'  
  
The Gondor man was laughing his head off, while the Really Big Ugly Orc thing was firing arrow after arrow into his chest. Boromir was starting to look like a human pincushion, and it was only a matter of time before that Ugly Orc got overly frustrated, and shot him in the neck or head. Time to take charge of the situation.  
  
"Hey, Ugly!" Alysha called, as she pulled her Elven dagger from its place in her boot. She strolled right up to the Really Big Ugly Orc, who obviously didn't feel at all threatened by a 5'5" mortal teenager. "This is for trying to kill Boromir," she snarled, and swung the foot long dagger at his throat. SKINT. Off with his head!  
  
"Heeheehee."  
  
Alysha turned to Boromir. "You, told you that you'd die without that vest, huh?" Boromir nodded humbly. "What do you say?"  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"No, no, you say Alysha is the greatest, and I will forever worship her."  
  
"Umm, Alysha is-"  
  
"Oh shut up, I was only kidding. All you have to do now is leave your shield and the buckle from your cloak, and you can go off to the Grey Havens for a niiice long vacation." Boromir nodded, gave her a hug, and headed off, singing the long road song.  
  
Alysha grinned, and settled back on the embankment to wait for the impending arrival of Gimli, Legolas, Sammi and Aragorn. They arrived a few minutes later, their mouths hanging open at the scene around the Super Trooper. Squashed fan-girls, decapitated orcs, a giant shield, and the clip from Boromir's Lórien cloak.  
  
"Where are the little ones? Merry and Pippin? And Boromir?" Gimli asked. Alysha felt a surge of guilt.  
  
"They were taken by the Uruk-Hai, Hairy's gone," she said, then suddenly gasped. "And so are Sam and Frodo!" She turned on her heel and ran as quickly as her feet would take her towards the river. Now Alysha's normally a sprinter, but send her on a run for more than about half a click, and she's totally screwed. When she arrived at the campsite, Samantha and Frodo were already in the boat, and Samantha was throwing a life ring out to Samwise.  
  
"Oi, Sammi! You're leaving without me!"  
  
"I know!" Samantha yelled back. "Where's Blackjack?"  
  
"He headed back to Lórien after mutilating a bunch of fan-girls. Are you sure you wanna go with them?"  
  
Sammi nodded eagerly. "I so want to meet Gollum!"  
  
Alysha fought back a smirk. "But Sammi, what about Shelob?"  
  
"What the heck's a Shelob?"  
  
"The giant spider in the Return of the King, I think!"  
  
Samantha froze and when ghostly white. "Oh" was all she managed to sputter out. Samantha has arachnophobia, and practically seizes when she's near a spider.  
  
"See you soon, Sammi! Here's a present for the road!" Alysha lobbed a massive can of Bug Off spray into the boat. "You're gonna need that!" Sammi squeaked again, and half-heartedly waved.  
  
As the two hobbits and Samantha landed on the Eastern shore of the lake, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas arrived on the beach next to Alysha.  
  
"Hurry! They have reached the other shore!" Legolas called, as he shoved a boat into the water. Aragorn and Alysha made no movement. "You mean not to follow?"  
  
"The hobbits and Samantha are beyond our reach now. Their path lie on a different one to the one we are one now," Aragorn said quietly.  
  
"Then it has all been in vain, the Fellowship had failed." Alysha rolled her eyes at Gimli and said "Aragorn's gonna make us go after Pippin and Merry."  
  
"We shall not abandon them to torment and death, not while we have strength left. Leave all that can be spared behind, we'll travel light. Let's-"  
  
"Let's just shove it into my backpack?" Alysha interrupted. "It feels empty, even though it's bottomless. We won't need to worry about carrying a whole bunch of junk then."  
  
Aragorn shrugged, and then said "Let's hunt some orc!"  
  
Gimli and Legolas were grinning and Alysha was pulling a trail bike from her backpack.  
  
"TALLYHO!"  
  
***  
  
Samwise, Frodo, and Samantha stood on top of a hill, looking out onto Emin Muil.  
  
"D'you think we did the right thing Sam?" Frodo asked. Both Sams replied that they'd done the right thing in leaving.  
  
"I don't suppose we'll ever see them again will we?"  
  
Samwise replied: "We may yet Mr. Frodo."  
  
"Yes we will. I know these things," Sammi replied in a mystic voice. "I see all, I know all."  
  
"Well, one way or another, I'm glad you're both with me."  
  
"Tallyho."  
  
Samantha, Frodo, and Samwise stood from where they'd stopped, and began to trek down the hill.  
  
***  
  
w00t! That's the end of The Fellowship of the Ring, next up, the Two Towers! We hope you all enjoyed the journey thus far, and we'll see you again soon. In the meantime, you see that lil' purple button? Press it, and review, PLEASE!  
  
.:~*~:. Peace, out Nimloth and Andúnië. 


End file.
